I Just Sold Our 13" TV for $8,830.00!

"SPLIDOW "

( This is a word trademarked by my wife. Said 'splih-dow'... meaning, Holy Poop! Awesome! Woo Hoo! )

I just SOLD a broken down black and white 13" TV on Craigslist for Eight thousand Eight Hundred and Eighty Three Dollars and no cents!
Thats right, "no cents" 'cuz why would anyone buy this broken down dust bunnie circa 1978 no signal TV that acts like it's from the movie Poltergeist?

Frankly, I don't know why they would and I don't care as long as they pay for it...and they have.
I have a bank check here to prove that they did. As a matter of fact, I have two checks here for the TV, both for the same amount, but from different people who realllly want it. That's right...now I have $17,660.00 for the same Brady Bunch TV.

The 'buyer' only wants to give me $100 dollars for the TV, but they are going to pay me $3000 in shipping and handling. I mean, are they going to ship it to the moon? And what type of handling do they want me to do with it? [I'm a gentleman and don't do those types of things BTW. : ) ]
Really, all I have to do for my payment is give them the $5,730 back in cash. :(

* THIS IS THE POINT WHERE YOU SMACK ME IN THE HEAD AND SAY, "WAKE UP THERE MIKIEP!" *

I buy and sell a lot of things on Craigslist. I guess you can call it a hobby of mine...collecting checks from the Nigerian Buyers Club. :)

"What" you don't know of this 'club' is that it's a group of people in Nigeria made up of LEACHES who sit in internet cafes and think up ways to get your money. These people loving sucking the life out of people by buying stuff on Craigslist and then offering more then you could have ever dreamed off for the item ,giving you this amazing amount for shipping and handling. Then they say, "Our shipping company has to pick up some other things along with the item I am buying from you. You will just pay them for the entire shipping fee as long as you can give whoever is picking up the items the difference back in CASH."

"WOOOOAH there, Silver!" You're telling me that I have to give Tonto, the loyal sidekick to the Lone STRANGER, back some serious Benjamins in cold hard CASH???!??!

"OK, Alex, I will take "Scams People Actually FAll For for $500!"

My point of this post is to make sure everyone is aware of these scams. My neighbor almost fell for it, so I am sure many others are falling for it too. In this day and age, with the economy the way it is, people are actually offering to pay a lot LESS for things, like $10 dollars for a 2008 Dodge RT Challenger, not MORE. ...not saying that I have a Challenger to sell, but if anyone wants to sell a 2008 Dodge RT Challenger to me for $10, I would be happy to take it off your hands and pay you the $10. :)

When someone answers your ad and calls, emails or sends you a Ding-Dong telegram, offering more than you'd ever expect in your wildest dreams and they want to send you a certified cashiers check and want you to give someone you never met CASH,... Pinch yourself, smack your head on the table, splash some water on your face and wake up! because the dream is a nightmare in sheep's clothing.

Like I said, I do use Craigslist to buy and sell items and it is a wonderfull site that doesn't charge any fees, BUT please be careful! :)

PS: I am selling a slighty used toliet and looking to get about $30,00o.oo for it. Please email me if you know of any Nigerians who might be interested. :)

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Toothpaste Talk

Sher Helol frmfi zreands

What...You didn't understand that?
You're thinking, "Damn...either this guy's spell check is out of control or he just really bites the turkey at spelling."

We all speak it. It's that early morning or late night babel we speak to our spouses or yell at our kids when we are brushing our teeth, mouith overfilled with toothpaste and spit .

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Lets Talk Toothpaste!

This morning in the shower, I was brushing my teeth [yes, I happen to do that when I'm in the shower] and at the same time, trying to talk to my sweetie while she was doing her make up. I said to her,

"MAbn Ish sstchnik swfoerrrte syweetwarht !"

Want to try and guess what in the fish sticks and jelly I was saying?

NO, I'm sure you don't.

Well, SHE thought I said was saying, "Maude is stealing Ferrite Sweaters?"
My sweetie asked, "Who is Maude and why in the tuna sandwich is she stealing sweaters made from Ferrites?"

(Ferrite sweaters coming soon to an Etsy shop near you, BTW. )
:)

What I really said was, "Man I stink. Sorry, sweetheart."

(and did I )
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Realistically, there should be some sort of grunting sounds, sort of like Morse Code...that one might use when trying to communicate while brushing one's teeth. You might need to send 10 box tops away to get some sort of decoder ring to use in order to figure out the grunting and other sounds, but trust me, it will be worth it.
I mean, they made an entire language for Klingons, so why not for toothpaste garble?
No, I am a not a Trekkie. I just know they have their own language. I don't have a set of Spock ears and I don't give the Vulcan high-five when I see my friends...not there is anything wrong with that. I'm just a fan.
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Anyway, back to toothpaste garble....Think of the risk our country is taking!
If President Obama is brushing his teeth one morning and, at the same time, talks some toothpaste garble to his cabinet, such as...

"SMcgibikbkiep nesheds a fbinxillon shadallqwers."

The cabinet might think he's saying...

"Mikiep Needs a Billion Dollars."

and actually send out a check for a billion dollars.

In reality, what the President was REALLY saying was..

"Mikiep Needs A Billion Dollars."
:)

No, you read that correctly. I do need it.
________________________________

So, have a little fun the next time you're talking to the better half with a mouth full of Crest, Colgate, Aim or whatever your favorite cavity fighter of choice is. And maybe try saying,

"Sbbyys qlsets gwut xzfqweeuky."

Don't know what I just said? Well, send away for your secret decoder, 'cuz I not tellin'.

:P

p.s. If the President would like to send me that money, my address is...

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I Have One Thing To Say... "VANS "

No, not those soccer hauling grocery-getting-mini-mom vans you Silly Sally! I AM TALKING ABOUT THE A-TEAM TYPE OF VAN. The type where you can roll up to a conflict in the Middle East and save a couple battalions of troops. :) Yeah, THAT gets my blood a-pumping.
OK, Ladies...Now don't be turning away thinking this post is only for the Men. This is all about you!
I can see it now...It's the early AM and the bathroom light just burned out. It's so dark in the bathroom that you aret hoping that you don't go to far with the make up and end up looking like Bozo the Clown. You only have the light of your cell phone and it's propped up on the counter. You're just trying to get through this ordeal.
Finally, you're done. You charge downstairs, throw your SUPER MOM outfit on and speed through the kitchen doing things that normal people would take hours to do. You bang them out in 10.
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You look at the clock and rub your eyes to make sure you are seeing it correctly. WHAT?!? 30 minutes to get the kids to school and get to that little place in HELL that you call work? :( Having a boss that is a spawn between Kathy Lee and Genghis Khan doesn't make it better.
You go to grab the keys to the station wagon, but, Wait! Oh no! Not today, Mr. Bonkers! :) The kids are screaming in the background. You grab for them and all of a sudden things go quiet. You could hear a mosquito fart...and then the A-Team theme song starts. Ohhh yes! Today is the day to unleash the UNBRIDALED TERROR that is the VAN!

YOU turn...Point to the kids and give hand signals like you are in the middle of some fire fight. The children react like they have been trained for this since birth.
Everyone one is in. IT'S GO TIME!

Oh yeah, Baby! All 8 cyclinders fire, sending a shaking force through the garage. The door opens and a white cloud of smoke is released from the tires.
27 1/2 minutes left. The hairs rise on the back of your neck.
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You drive like a Formula 1 driver on steroids! If this was an Olympic competition, you would have already gotten the GOLD and humiliated the others.

As you pass people by, they bow to you. Like Jack Black says in "Kung Fu Panda"... "There is no charge for AWESOMENESS!"
You make it to school just short of the 15 minutes left on the clock. The kids tuck and roll out of the van knowing that if mom doesn't make it to work on time, there will be NO Happy Face Pancakes for dinner tonight. :(

The van is moving faster than an 18 year old teenage girl with her parent's credit cards in a MALL.
Mom pulls up to work with 2 minutes left to spare and ......NO! ......Driving Miss Daisy has decided to get in her way. Up to the bumper she rolls...so close that the other driver can see how much tread is left on her tires. The Mighty Van sends a shreeking note so deafening it would make Gordon Ramsay hide under his stove.
You can see the Daisy driver shaking like a 8 year old watching "The Exorcist" for the first time and he finally gets the "H- E- double hockey sticks" out of way. You speed up, turn the van sideways and slide into your parking spot.

10 seconds left as you sprint faster than Wile E. Coyote on rockskates. BAM...You punch the time clock with 1 second left to spare!

You feel like you just conquered the world. You are the Queen of Kings. You ARE the Cats Meow. :)
Everyone looks at you like you are 10 feet tall. A GOD even!
Out of the corner of your eye, you see your boss sneaking in, shaking in his boots with a large wet spot near his crotch...and only YOU know why.
THERE WILL BE HAPPY FACE PANCAKES TONIGHT!

So, next time you happen to see a 1983 GMC VAN, just THINK of the possibilties and be inspired!

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Yep, Thats right PALMOLIVE! :)

That's right. I know what you're thinking...This is the guy we already thought was off his rocker. I mean, come on, a big guy with all the tattoos who does children's illustrations too?

Well I just want to give props where props are due. Recently with the economy the way it is, the Misses and I were at Walgreens doing some shopping. We needed some dish soap. We walked around the corner and there it was...a towering monster bottle of dish soap. I mean it was like 6 feet tall Well, maybe a little smaller. . I thought to myself "What a buy! It's only 3 bucks! I got a team of employees and we carried it out to the car.
When we got home I wanted to take that massive bottle for a spin. :) I am like any man. We LOVE doing the dishes...all men Love doing the dishes, don't they?
Well, I put a little on the sponge and away I went...first dish down, but where were the suds? So, one more squirt on the sponge and away we go...couple more dishes down Where in hell are the suds? Now I am looking at the dishes and thinking "Are they even clean?"
Then I think I must be in the seventh gate of HELL. This is how I am going to be tormented for the rest of existence- washing dishes with no suds and then rewashing and rewashing them FOREVER .............N....O! :(
Luckily, I finished after a lot of bad words and a whole lot of dish liquid. I must say that the only bright side of things is that we went through that damn soap so fast that we were off to Walgreens to do some more shopping for dish soap within a week.
Looking through the fliers, my Coupon Queen that I call my wife spotted a blazing deal on some Palmolive....A 10 oz bottle for only $.99 cents. It was well worth it!
We returned home and I saw we had some dishes stacking up, so I put on my cape and dish washing outfit. That's right, Buddy, I wear an outfit because I am DISH CLEANING MAN !
Used to the other very subpar soap we just finished, I put a healthy dose of liquid on the mighty sponge and began to lather up (Just The Sponge Nothing else).
The SUDS...Oh my God, the SUDS! They came and they came with a vengeance! By the beard of Zeus, I all most had to evacuate the misses and the kitty we call Chaplin (Well, maybe the suds weren't THAT much).
I was in heaven with all the suds that I needed from a little dab of the green Magic. The dishes were squeaky clean and my hands felt so soft (Wait, did just say that??)
***So my Hat is off to you**
King of all Magical Green Dish Liquid !



You will have a faithful subject until I can't raise a dish again!
Mikiep
:)

I do have some suggestions...
#1 A glow in the dark dish liquid so me and kids can have fun washing some dishes
#2 Bring Back Marge the Palmolive lady ( While doing research I found out that Jan Miner the original Palmolive lady passed away she was 86 :(
#3 Get a character like maybe a Pirate and with his beard made of suds. That would be cool!
#4 Maybe a get a pitch man with some tattoos and named...Mikiep!

Like I said these are only suggestions. :)

What Happens Now ?

Sometimes life just really kicks you in the nuts :( But that's what I think really fuels the fire for Art ...the necessity to EAT.

I have been working on my Children s Illustrations full throttle right now . Because I think in hard times people like to think back to the times that were a whole lot easier . So I hope some of my Illustrations might put a smile on your face and help you to remember when you were young :)

Mikiep