Thursday, June 11, 2009

I Have One Thing To Say... "VANS "


No, not those soccer hauling grocery-getting-mini-mom vans you Silly Sally! I AM TALKING ABOUT THE A-TEAM TYPE OF VAN. The type where you can roll up to a conflict in the Middle East and save a couple battalions of troops. :) Yeah, THAT gets my blood a-pumping.
OK, Ladies...Now don't be turning away thinking this post is only for the Men. This is all about you!
I can see it now...It's the early AM and the bathroom light just burned out. It's so dark in the bathroom that you aret hoping that you don't go to far with the make up and end up looking like Bozo the Clown. You only have the light of your cell phone and it's propped up on the counter. You're just trying to get through this ordeal.
Finally, you're done. You charge downstairs, throw your SUPER MOM outfit on and speed through the kitchen doing things that normal people would take hours to do. You bang them out in 10.
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You look at the clock and rub your eyes to make sure you are seeing it correctly. WHAT?!? 30 minutes to get the kids to school and get to that little place in HELL that you call work? :( Having a boss that is a spawn between Kathy Lee and Genghis Khan doesn't make it better.
You go to grab the keys to the station wagon, but, Wait! Oh no! Not today, Mr. Bonkers! :) The kids are screaming in the background. You grab for them and all of a sudden things go quiet. You could hear a mosquito fart...and then the A-Team theme song starts. Ohhh yes! Today is the day to unleash the UNBRIDALED TERROR that is the VAN!

YOU turn...Point to the kids and give hand signals like you are in the middle of some fire fight. The children react like they have been trained for this since birth.
Everyone one is in. IT'S GO TIME!

Oh yeah, Baby! All 8 cyclinders fire, sending a shaking force through the garage. The door opens and a white cloud of smoke is released from the tires.
27 1/2 minutes left. The hairs rise on the back of your neck.
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You drive like a Formula 1 driver on steroids! If this was an Olympic competition, you would have already gotten the GOLD and humiliated the others.

As you pass people by, they bow to you. Like Jack Black says in "Kung Fu Panda"... "There is no charge for AWESOMENESS!"
You make it to school just short of the 15 minutes left on the clock. The kids tuck and roll out of the van knowing that if mom doesn't make it to work on time, there will be NO Happy Face Pancakes for dinner tonight. :(

The van is moving faster than an 18 year old teenage girl with her parent's credit cards in a MALL.
Mom pulls up to work with 2 minutes left to spare and ......NO! ......Driving Miss Daisy has decided to get in her way. Up to the bumper she rolls...so close that the other driver can see how much tread is left on her tires. The Mighty Van sends a shreeking note so deafening it would make Gordon Ramsay hide under his stove.
You can see the Daisy driver shaking like a 8 year old watching "The Exorcist" for the first time and he finally gets the "H- E- double hockey sticks" out of way. You speed up, turn the van sideways and slide into your parking spot.

10 seconds left as you sprint faster than Wile E. Coyote on rockskates. BAM...You punch the time clock with 1 second left to spare!

You feel like you just conquered the world. You are the Queen of Kings. You ARE the Cats Meow. :)
Everyone looks at you like you are 10 feet tall. A GOD even!
Out of the corner of your eye, you see your boss sneaking in, shaking in his boots with a large wet spot near his crotch...and only YOU know why.
THERE WILL BE HAPPY FACE PANCAKES TONIGHT!

So, next time you happen to see a 1983 GMC VAN, just THINK of the possibilties and be inspired!





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11 comments:

Raven said...

I want some Happy Face Pancakes!
This is super funny, Mr. P. Yer a good writer. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes.

xxx

Youniquely Chic said...

Awesome! What a great story to end the day with... Cheers!

Tara

janet said...

Too..Too funny...love your blog...I'm hooked!

sassyglassdesigns said...

Cute, cute post :-)))

found paper co. said...

I love the Legos!! I'm thoroughly amused.

HeatherScent said...

What a great post! I am slightly obsessed with all things relating to Lego and action/adventure. I am the one elbowing pre-pubescent boys out of the way when a new Lego video game is released. (Rumour has it that Harry Potter is next!)

My parents still have our A-Team van from when we were kids and my son plays with it whenever he is over at their house. I think I need to steal this video and put it on my Facebook profile! :)

Flight Fancy said...

Great post! Happy face pancakes all around!

FishStikks said...

Haha, it's true, you ARE a fabulously funny writer! I hung in there throughout the entire thing smirking the whole way! Too funny!

jenuinejems said...

LMAO!

Giftbearer said...

This is really funny and exciting too!
Check out my unusual blog here:

On To New Frontiers! More Donor Dogs Needed
http://artlifenewsblog.blogspot.com/

Westwind Days said...

Another great story! And I like what you've done with the blog, it's looking good.

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